I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I want her autograph on my taint
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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