I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
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