Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
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