Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Someone shit on the floor
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Semen is not good for contacts.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
