Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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