I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
