How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
