Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
