i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Small penises have feelings too.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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