Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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