I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
What a dumb baby whore.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
