fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
