Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
