Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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