i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
