You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
