Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
