Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
