im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
