I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
