shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
