we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
