My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
