my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
