Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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