I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
