just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
