hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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