Pappa wants mamma naked
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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