The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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