You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
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