Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
