on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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