get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
