i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
