If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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