tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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