Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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