I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
