I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
