Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
