Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Randomize
