I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
