My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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