Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
