guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
