Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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