quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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