Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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