I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I need a beard to bite.
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